Falling Apart

Maybe it’s because I’m crazy, Maybe it’s because I just can’t, Honestly tell you what I want,
I spend my days here on the internet in the shadows and the light and my night trying to write once again, being creative in one way or another.
Oh God what the hell its like being on rails, I head full on story ideas, I have written the same page ten times over now, not the easy way mind the long way in a big pad of lined paper my mind moving quicker that my hand, stopping every few seconds so the one can catch the other. But each time I come to the end of the page I see something I have miss out and start over.
I am trying to restart my Alec book you see I spent the best part of 4 years writing 122 computer pages and before that countless hand written pages, it was and still is the only true original idea I have ever had, his whole world just sits in my head like some huge weight, in the first few days of working on the book I could write page after page, word after word.
Without question knowing what was going to happen next joining the dots one by one, easy as pie, but one day it all became somehow water in my hands, in simple words I loss the plot, Alec stopped his world became ice everything froze, So I put down my pen and went away only for a short time to see if the sun would come out a melt the ice, put it didn’t Alec still remains trapped.
They is away it end it all, just stop walk away let my mind become soft fill it with holograms and shadows, but I can’t and won’t I spent to much time with the weight of if in my head, I watch TV, listen my mp3’s, hear and see others as they do it build there worlds, word by word, action by action. Yet nothing helps Alec reminds still.
I look for answers everyday in the most unlikely of places, I found a little ray of sun light but it would mean staring over page one, blank new world, new Alec but I can’t throw all the other pages away would be wrong. Would it ?
The old story line works it holds up until the ice comes along, there is just to much throw away it give up, or is all crap and I am just not seeing it,
The first Alec story line I made up in reaction to the end of a friendship but over time it became something more powerful, this new one I was handed to me line by line and its much simpler or it should be.
I have always found it hard to fit in the real world so I play dumb most of the time I can see thought people in a few seconds, know how they think, know there week points, there strengths, I have got very good at. And that’s way I find myself alone most of the time. Most people want to be cleverer that next person I don’t, I don’t care I really don’t,
But I know about to many things, so I act dumb and in the end people go away think they have one over on me,
What does that have to do with the Alec story, well it means I don’t have anyone to draw a line under it, to stop me, slow me down, and that want I need now, Alec lives in my head and only in my head, I guess I find to hard focus on put the whole of Alec’s world into order so it doesn’t be come ice in my head.


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